Django Wexler

So You’ve Discovered A Secret Magical Society With Wizards And Monsters And Shit

Some questions to ask a few people who seem trustworthy, with followups

• Do you people believe in a god or gods?
  • Is this theological belief, where we must have faith, or are these provably real creatures who might smite me?
    • If real:
      • Please rate their approximate power on a scale of Small Gods to Paradise Lost
      • How does one stay on their good side, assuming they have one?
      • Are any of them pure evil?
        • How sure are we about that?
• So magic is real. Can I do magic?
  • Is anything horrible going to happen to me if I do?
  • Are the following subtypes of magic possible?
    • Explosions
    • Flying
    • Telekinesis
    • Telepathy
      • Are there rules about telepathy?
        • If not, why not?
    • Invisibility
      • How do I keep invisible people out?
    • Talking With Animals
      • Ethical implications of talking animals?
    • Teleportation
      • Please describe possible disasters
    • Time Travel
      • Please describe the rules, with diagrams
    • Shapechanging
      • How do I know you’re not the Dark Lord?
    • Mind Control
      • How do I know you’re not under the control of the Dark Lord?
    • Love spells/potions
      • Are those legal in this jurisdiction?
        • Are there less creepy jurisdictions?
  • Is magical power hereditary?
    • Doesn’t that have disturbing implications for society?
• Are prophecies for real?
  • Please provide detailed examples of prophecies that turned out to be true.
  • Who makes these prophecies?
    • Can we use them to play the stock market or bet on sporting events?
  • Are prophets required to be super-cryptic?
    • Can we crowd-source prophetic interpretation to Reddit?
• Are the following mythological entities or creatures real?
  • Santa Claus
  • Tooth Fairy
    • What does she do with the teeth?
  • Dragons
    • Can I ride one?
  • Centaurs
    • Ditto
      • Not in a sexy way?
        • Maybe in a sexy way.
          • Clarification on human/monster sex in general.
  • Elves
    • Multiple kinds?
      • How do I tell them apart?
    • Special rules they must obey?
    • Subtypes:
      • Giggling, whimsical faires
      • Stern, wise wood-guardians
      • Immortal, amoral schemers
  • Dwarves
    • Subtypes:
      • Drunken, Scottish hooligans
      • Wise makers of powerful objects
        • Take commissions?
  • Hobbits/Gnomes/Halflings/Kender
    • Safely ignored or dangerous menace?
  • Talking Animals
    • All animals or just special ones?
      • Popularity of vegan diets?
  • Vampires
    • Subtypes:
      • Bestial and evil
      • Urbane but still evil
      • Sexy
        • Not evil?
          • Are we sure?
            • Popular dating services.
          • Should I just become one? It sounds awesome.
    • Weaknesses:
      • Garlic?
      • Holy Water/Symbols?
        • Which religion?
          • Troubling implications.  (See gods.)
      • Stakes through the heart?
        • Works on everyone though
      • Sunlight?
  • Werewolves
    • Subtypes:
      • Murderous beasts
      • Noble and loyal
        • Spread by biting or only hereditary?
          • Just bite me already.
        • Full moon — important or bullshit?
  • Zombies
    • Minor nuisance or apocalyptic threat?
  • Ghosts
    • Actually the spirits of dead people?
      • Does this provably imply there’s an afterlife? (See gods, above.)
• Muggles
  • Do we call them that?
  • How many people know about magic?
    • How do we keep people from knowing about magic?
      • Why do we keep people from knowing about magic?
        • If magic could cure cancer, etc, aren’t we history’s greatest monsters for hogging it?
  • How effective is magic compared to guns and so forth?
  • Are we:
    • Afraid of them?
    • Vaguely paternalistic toward them?
    • Allowed to have sex with them?
• Magic Rings (or other magic objects)
  • Possible powers?
    • Important caveats?