Django Wexler

Part One, Part Two, Part Three, and Part Four. Updates Wednesdays!

Back to the Byzantine Empire, which is finally mine to command!

The new Emperor, Michael, isn’t much to write home about.  His stats are bad and he’s envious, humble, and greedy.  But he’s Emperor, and that’s what counts.

First up, a quick finish to the war with Serbia.  I’m steadily chipping away at the Balkans, which is on my eventual “restore the Empire” list.

Next up, new council.  My uncle Hypatios hates me but god damn is he a good steward.  

New quack, check.

Pay back the loan that dad “forgot about”.  We cool, Jews?

Speaking of religion, it hasn’t escaped my attention that the Muslim empires have remained shockingly united.  A quick glance at the map reveals why — in this timeline, apparently, the Sunni have totally crushed the Shi’a, who usually establish a stronghold in the Persia/Afghanistan area.  That’s … probably bad for me, especially once they get the jihads going again.

My next goal is to start working my way into Italy with an eye toward eventually taking Rome, which would seem to be the sine qua non of a Roman Empire.  The king of Lombardy is weak, and Capua is also a tempting target.  I need claims for Lombardy, though, since I can’t holy war against Christians.

Capua, on the other hand, is held by a Tengri chief.  That means it’s holy war time!

I mobilize the full force of the united empire.

Soooo I guess Uncle Dorotheos is a Satanist?

Honestly I’d like to be a member of the Hermetic Society or something, but I’m not eager to be a Satanist.  Satan can’t grant me much I can’t take with military force.

Christian holy wars!  I see no way in which this could end badly for the Byzantine Empire.  Come on and help out, guys!

Capua falls.  I make Uncle Hypatios a count, which seems to mollify him somewhat.

Uh oh.  Herbal remedies, right?

… is that herbal?

Boy do I have enemies though!  Let the traditional revolt against the new emperor commence.

The core of the empire has remained loyal, thankfully.  And my upgraded demense in Nikea produces a LOT of troops now.

At least the pope and his hordes are headed in the other direction.

The paper thing didn’t work, damn it.

Go back to goat flatulence, it’s always worked for my family.

GOAT FLATULENCE 4 LIFE.

The revolt drags on as I besiege the rebel castles, but I’m thinking ahead.  Specifically, I’m thinking of young Aunepert Alaschisling, who has a beef with his father and is willing to come hang out at my court.

Congratulations, Aunepert, you’re Despot of Georgia!  This definitely has nothing to do with the fact that you’re, um, the brother of the King of Lombardy and pretender to the throne …

(Spoilers it has everything to do with that.)

I finally manage to corner and crush the primary rebel army.  Die, rebel scum!

Generously, Uncle Hypatios is willing to help out with my crappy stewardship.

Quick, Nathaniolos Silvestrios, what do you think?

WOO TIME TO BET THE FARM NEXT CHANCE I GET!

I have a new son.  The Byzantines have a weird notion called Born in the Purple, which designates children born to a sitting emperor.  They take precedence in succession over their older brothers, which can be a little dangerous if those brothers are ambitious.  But it gives a nice opinion boost.

Finally!  Off to prison with the lot of you.

What’s this?  I’m shocked to discover one of my vassal kings has been unjustly denied his rightful claim to the throne!

How dare you just … keep being king?  How dare you.

Conveniently, the Lombards barely show up to their own war.  My armies soon spread across the landscape, laying siege to everything in sight.

Oooh, I could use a fancy sword …

Uhhh, no.  Not that fancy.

Take that, Lombards!  That’s what you get for supporting your rightful king.

Much better.

Muuuuuuch better.

This is the best way of taking land from other Christians.  Forging claims to each county would take forever.

Unfortunately it kicks my threat way up, so I’m going to have to be cool for a while.

Five years of peace question mark?

Huh.  Turns out the guy who tried to recruit me to be a Satanist, is a Satanist.  What a twist!

Burn the witch!

Actually, that gives me Kinslayer, which I don’t want.  Throw the witch in prison!

He has the good grace to die almost immediately, so I can create a new exarch.

At some point I lost the ability to strip titles, so I spread some bribes around and get that back.  That lets me properly punish the various rebels still languishing in my dungeons.

This is troubling, though.  One of my duchesses has married the king of Middle Francia, and her sons stand to inherit land in the empire.  Unfortunately, we’re not legally advanced enough yet to outlaw titles passing out of the realm.  I quickly start trying to murder the sons.

I’m still too threatening (and being peaceful) to take much action, but at least very few people are plotting against me!

I am apparently the wicked stepmother from Snow White.

THE MOST DANGEROUS GAME is little kids apparently.

And the duchess is a widow now so I think I’m in the clear?  Maybe?  I’m not getting the vassal inheritance warning anymore …

Michael has improved his stats to at least average levels and picked up Hunter, honest, just, and gregarious.  Not bad!

He may be a little paranoid though.

Hmm.  Middle Francia is weak, and I have a claimant to the throne of East Francia, a large sub-kingdom.  I could pull the same trick I did with Italy — land the claimant, then push his claim.

I decide not to, though.  I need to stay focused on my goal of restoring Roman glory, not get bogged down in conquests in Germany.  (And it would keep my threat so high the whole world would ally against me.)

Prince Anthimos has some natural talent, but unfortunately he’s ended up with “Indolent”, which makes him a poor fit as an administrator.  I give him a diplomatic education as a second choice.

“Doctor, help me!  I’m pooping too much!”

“Here, drink this Potion of Pooping.”

“How can I ever repay you, Doctor?”

The Pope is under siege by an army of angry peasants, so this seems like a good time to pick on him.  I send my chancellor over to start forging a claim.

In the meantime I’ve formed an alliance with the King of Middle Francia, “Philippe the Ill-Ruler”.  What could go wrong?

He immediately drags me into a horrible, interminable war.  I guess I should have seen that coming.

I do get a new, awesome French wife out of the deal, at least.

And my indolent son marries an equally awesome Scandinavian.

By liberal application of bribes and appointing sycophants, I’m slowly taking power from my council and moving towards absolute rule.  I’ve got most of the important ones now, including granting and revoking titles, which are crucial because that’s where they’re most likely to disagree with me.  Declaration of war is harder, but usually the council can be talked into a good war.

Speaking of wars, this one is going kind of poorly in spite of my support.  Fortunately I don’t lose anything but a little prestige if it fails.

How did he get to be “the Bane of Lithuania”?  I want to be the bane of something.

Of course, the first casualty of war is always the truth.

But at least my threat has ticked down!  That means it’s time for MOAR WAR.

Or not.  

Thank goodness for quackery.

Now that that’s done with, MOAR WAR.

Oh FFS.

There.  Waaaaaaar.

I decide to start things off by picking on the Serbians a little more, and that goes badly wrong almost immediately.

Fortunately, a lack of cash convinces their Pecheneg mercenaries to switch sides, which makes things easier.

Better!

Then something complicated happens.  King Philippe the Ill-Ruler dies, which scotches my alliance.  But the duchess I was worried about earlier also died, and her son inherits both France and a bunch of land in my empire.  Which means a scattering of random counties now belong to France!  

To add insult to injury, the new king immediately gives one of them away to the Teutonic Order.

I get that one back with a quick de jure claim.  But to get the others means fighting Middle Francia, and they’re pretty big.  I’m betting they won’t show up, though.

How dare you inherit the territory that I rightfully stole, kid!

I was wrong, and a few Middle Francian armies do show up, but badly weakened by their march across Europe.  So I smack them around and lay siege to the contested territory while I wait for them to return.

Better.  Now we are officially disentangled from Middle Francia.

But that’s kicked my damned threat back up and now everyone hates me again!  Argh.  Can’t a man depose the rightful Pope in peace?

 

Current Year: 929 AD

Current Status: Frustrated

 

Part One, Part Two, and Part Three.  Updates Wednesdays!

The long and glorious reign of Chrysogone Ironsides finally came to an end.  So what’s next?

The new Despot, Tiberios, is pretty crap as far as stats go.  He’s brave, trusting, and kind, and has four sons, though one is already dead.  But he’s got plenty of money and a united realm behind him, so it’s time to start working on the next step!

The next step, in this case, means reaching for the Byzantine throne itself.  It may take a while, though.

Or not?  Everyone is willing to chip in!  Having a fat purse definitely helps with the plotting.

That was … easier than I thought.  And the claim is hereditary, so if Tiberios dies we don’t lose it.  No time pressure yet.

Which is good, because it turns out that Tiberios, before becoming despot, had declared war on the entire Tengri world.  I don’t actually need the territory he’s fighting for, but I’d really rather not pay the huge indemnity for losing.  So I round up some troops and head over to see if I can fight them to a draw.

“Men, we’re going to dig deep, work hard, and fight the enemy to a bloody draw!”

“Hooray!”

The new empress is a little girl, and she’s getting rid of her troublesome vassals by giving them to me.  I’m not complaining!

She also makes me Chancellor, which I accept for the moment.  I’ll have to resign before I make my move for the throne, but I don’t know if that will be in Tiberios’ lifetime.

Unfortunately, the Tengri world is not playing for a draw, and they assemble to give me a smackdown.

At least we killed this guy!  Eh?  Eh?

Nobody cares.  With a sigh I concede the war and hand over a huge bag of gold.

That leaves me extremely in debt, although my income is quite high.  Being in negative treasury produces all kinds of bad effects, though.  Soooooo…

“How’s my favorite heavily persecuted ethno-religious minority?”

“We have so many sorrows.”

“Great, great.  Listen, I need, you know, just some cash until payday…”

With the help of the Chosen People I’m back in a slightly better position.  My son and heir is continuing the family tradition of poorly thought out wars against steppe nomads.  I really hope he finishes it up before I die.

Thanks to Chrysogone’s efforts, though, Anatolia is looking good!  My strength is getting to the point where I can contemplate rebellion, but first I’m going to need to save up a reasonable war chest so I can hire mercenaries to tip the balance.

If Tiberios dies before we get strong enough, Ioannes the Lecher is going to have to carry on.  He has definitely been … leching, I guess?  Alarmingly, while he has at least five sons, his only legitimate one is dead.  Fortunately I can always legitimize the bastards.

Tiberios, always honest, pays back his Jewish buddies.

I’m amused that my subjects address me as “my despot”.  Also, I’m saving up for war here, the peasants can wait!

The empress is current six years old, and ideally I’d launch my coup before she’s grown.

As long as the peasants feel safe, we can set old women on fire I guess.

Having resigned the chancellorship, I start a faction for myself, consisting entirely of me.  We’re building a movement!

Tiberios may be old, but he’s still kicking!

Also having sex with his wife.

I sympathize with this dilemma.  You know Ioannes is only going to end up in a back room with everyone else’s wives.  He’s irresistible! 

I’m not alone anymore!  My new best friend is Strategos Pankratios the Repulsive.

Honestly I think plotting to take over the empire is a little more stressful than the pursuit of wealth.

Fortunately, of the “medieval stress relief” trio of dogs, fucking, and heads of your enemies, Tiberios still has access to the second one.

Okay, several non-repulsive people have joined the movement, and I’ve got 1,100 gold in the bank.  Let’s do this.

That’s right, nine-year-old girl.  I’m calling you out.

Once more armies erupt all over the empire.  I’m a bit outnumbered, but I call in some mercenaries to make up the odds, and get the drop on a nearby portion of the Imperial forces.

A hard battle near Constantinople leaves me laying siege to the capital.  As always with mercenary armies, though, the question is whether I can end the war before the treasury runs dry.

Perfect.  This is exactly the time for that.

Dueling sieges, as the Imperial army works its way through rebel territory while I continue to take the capital holdings one by one.  The Ecumenical Patriarch joins the fray and promptly gets crushed when the Imperial army fails to support him.  Stick to praying, Father.

Meanwhile, a fierce battle rages between rebels and loyalists on Mallorca, for some reason.

I must have more gold to pay the heavily armed psychopaths who fight my wars for me!

The treasury is running low, but it’s time to roll the dice.  I hire a second big mercenary company and set out to try conclusions with the main Imperial army.

For the sake of future historians, any chance of having the climactic battle at a place whose name I can pronounce?

Now the war tips rapidly in my favor as I liberate the castles taken by the Imperials.  I chase down the fleeing remnants of their army and force another battle.

Victory!  The Empire is mine!

No, wait, I can’t declare victory while my castles are held by the god-damned Iconoclasts.  And the treasury is now almost empty.

Jews!  Buddies!  You know I’m good for it!

I race over to put down the rebellion before the money runs out or the Imperials get their shit together.

Yes, thank you, please rot in jail, so sorry must go.

Mwahahahahaha!  The throne is mine!

Now they call me “the Usurper”, which honestly is fair.  I usurp!  It’s what I do.

As Emperor, I automatically get Constantinople, as is right and proper.

As you might imagine, things are a bit of a mess.  I owe money to the Jews, and lots of my vassals old and new are pretty pissed off at me.  So I set to work reorganizing the Empire and preparing for the inevitable counter-revolution.

Hey, apparently we’ve got Antioch!  Go team!  That reminds me, though, to take a look at my goals.

I can mend the Great Schism, the split between Catholicism and Orthodoxy.  This requires very high moral authority and piety, and control of Constantinople, Antioch, Jerusalem, Alexandria, and Rome.  That’s a tall order, but we’re going to try!

Restoring the Roman Empire is even tougher, requiring control of most of Italy and the Balkans.  That’s going to take some doing.  But we’ve got a good five hundred years to try.

In addition to his extramarital excitements, Ioannes apparently wants to marry my granddaughter to my grandson.  Son, let me explain some things to you.

I take some proactive measures against rebellion, arresting and fighting the vassals who hate me the most.

Fortunately, my marshal thwarts the first attempts on my life.

Now that I’ve got the throne and don’t have to worry about the Emperor switching sides, I settle in to being Orthodox and suppressing Iconoclasm.

But this is going to keep happening, isn’t it?  Oi.

A revolt finally happens, but it’s only a small one, and easily crushed.  Perfect.  Various vassals go to jail and the realm is more secure.

They’re plotting against me, but they don’t have the power to actually do anything about it.

Seriously, son.  Is this like your fetish?  You need help.

Do we even have rabies in Anatolia?

I didn’t need that blood anyway.  It was holding me back.

With the realm reasonably secure, I cautiously work on expansion, starting with this unsightly outpost of Bulgaria.

I mean, it’s better than rabies.

My oldest supporter!  All these years and I never told him about that thing on his face.

The death of one of my dukes forces me to start the Bulgarian war over, this time paying more attention and pressing my own claim rather than a subordinates.  Being Emperor is hard, guys.

Wonderful!  I love Leontia and her band of heavily armed psychos, and I hear — is wonderful this time of year!

I arrange a marriage for Ioannes’ stupid daughter so he’ll quit it with the incest fantasies.

Apparently his fetish was all that kept him clinging to this world, because he dies immediately.

Because Ioannes managed not to have any surviving legitimate male offspring, the new heir is the son of my next-eldest son, Michael.

Bogomilist heretics, now?  Is that some sort of clown-based religion?  (It is not.)

Nice guy vassal just wants Constantinople, baby.  Come on!

The Bulgarian war finally ends in my favor, and I race around mopping up all the minor rebellions that popped up while I was busy.

To simplify my life, I start endowing viceroyal kings with big swathes of territory to govern.  This means the land comes back to me when they die, so I can grant it to someone else.  It keeps them grateful and less powerful.  Plus they get the awesome title of “exarch”.

At 76, Tiberios tries to fit in one last war with the tiny kingdom of Serbia.

Sadly, it’s not to be, so his grandson will have to finish it for him.  Though Tiberios’ actual reign was pretty short, due to his mother’s longevity, he built on her work and finally reached the ultimate prize of the Imperial throne itself.  Now let’s see if the next generation can manage to keep it!

Michael, I choose you!  (Okay, that one doesn’t quite work.)

 

Current Year: 898 AD.

Current Status: Always Be Usurpin’.

Part One and Part Two.

The reign of Chrysogone Ironsides continues!

Buuuuut maybe not for long?

Is “itchiness” really a pregnancy complication?

Children cause cancer now.

That will definitely help.

But Arsenios comes through!  Nagging works wonders.

I guess it was “not-enough-grandchildren-itis”.

So the duchess was just like … mugged?  Rough forest!

After six children, Chrysogone’s young hunk dies, presumably of exhaustion.  Since she needs a spouse with good accounting skills to keep the realm running, it’s time to go looking for lucky suitor number three.

She settles on Zula, who is a good administrator and a fantastic warrior.

Meanwhile, her eldest daughter is betrothed to the king of Middle Francia, who is only five but may be a valuable ally someday.

France is kind of a mess at the moment tbh.

Time for some game theory.  The first part of my plan, get a hereditary duchy so I’m not dependent on the Emperor, has succeeded.  I’m already at the limits of the amount of land I can personally hold, though.  The next step is to become a king, which will allow me to have duke-level vassals.  The kingdom I have the most land in is the relatively small Kingdom of Anatolia, which includes Cilicia but not Nikea.  It doesn’t current exist, so I only need 50% of its counties to create it, which is eleven.

So!  I forge a claim of Dorylaion and get to warring.  Fortunately the Emperor is too weak or distracted to currently stop me from attacking other vassals.

Turns out my old friend Diogenes has a claim to Tyana!  Since he’s already a count, taking it for him will mean he stays as my vassal and add it to my realm.  Diogenes likes me a lot for pressing his claim, although Chrysogone secretly hates him because she thinks he’s a witch, even though she let him off the hook.

Chrysogone is getting stressed and unhealthy, so I set her to hunting to improve her martial and health.  Hopefully she’ll get a dog.  Dogs are better than antibiotics.

“Okay, this time he’s definitely a witch!”

“How do you know?”

“I asked him, and he was like, ‘Oh yeah, I’m totally a witch!'”

“Hmm … I’m still not convinced.”

Next up is Chaldea in the north.  Yet another major revolt is going on, so I carefully side-step the rebel armies on my way up there.

One of my daughters has turned out awesome, so I marry her matrilineally to a Karling heir.

While he’s a bastard, he has all sorts of potentially useful claims that his children can inherit.

Just when I’ve got the war against Chaldea nearly won, another revolt breaks out and I lose all my progress.  I guess my guys just politely go home when the Chaldeans say they’ve got better things to do?

Instead, I go for Sozopolois, which my chancellor has forged a claim on.  Getting closer to the eleven I need.

Three husbands are not enough for Chrysgone Ironsides.

Speaking of which, Zula managed to get himself killed in battle, so I guess we’re on to contender number four!

Aman may be old, but he’s got that sweet, sweet bookkeeping skill I can’t resist.

Nice!  A dog to help keep me alive!

Things are a little confused.  I’m besieging Sozopolis, the rebels are in Constantinople, and for some reason the Ecumenical Patriarch has laid siege to Nicomedia?

Also some of my vassals are super pissed about me using their armies for too long.

On the plus side, I caught the mythical white stag!  No big D.

By the time Sozopolis falls, my hard-working chancellor has forged claims on two counties in Paphlagonia, which is a very silly-sounding name.

I take my doctor’s advice and lay off a little.  Not long afterward, she dies unexpectedly.

Time for a new quack!  Bring on the mercenary limb-chopper!

Control of the two Paphlagonian counties gets me to the eleven I need.  Long live the Kingdom of Anatolia!

Except I can’t afford it.

Fortunately, Jewish merchants are always happy to lend me money!  Although why that should be, I have no idea.

Hurrah!  One step up the ladder!

And the next step is pretty clear: as a queen, I can forge a claim on the whole Empire, and then start a faction to install myself as Empress.  I’m not nearly strong enough to do that yet, but we’re getting closer.

Hmm, that may be jumping the gun a little.  Call back later.

I manage to pay back my loan to the Jews.  “Wait, people actually do that?” say the Jews.

Meanwhile, I now have de jure claims against all the other counties in the Kingdom of Anatolia I don’t hold yet, so I don’t need to keep forging documents.  I set out to take them one by one.

Why do all these doctors keep telling me to fast?  Are they fat-shaming me?

Hey, maybe their empire has broken up a bit!

Or it could be way bigger than ever.  Sigh.

Okay, this time it’s actually cancer.

Having achieved her goal in life by creating the kingdom, Chrysogone insists on trying something exciting.

Apparently this means removing my eyeball.  But it cured my cancer!

At 51, Chrysogone is doing pretty well, and sporting a badass eyepatch.

And she’s high on vitamin dog!

Hmm.  Dog’s got his work cut out for him.

Maria: “I have a confession to make.  I’m secretly Orthodox.”

Chrysogone: “Uh … so am I.  So is everyone.  It’s the official religion of the empire.”

Maria: “… why have I been worshiping in the basement all this time then?”

Uhoh.  My underwhelming son Arsenios is dead.

Apparently his daughter murdered him to seize the throne?  A commendable show of initiative, I say.

The new heir is decidedly ‘meh’, but at least he has a better hair situation going on than his older brother.  He’s also got two sons, which is promising.

This dude Aetios has been a pain in my ass ever since I, um, conquered and usurped his duchy.  Having forged a claim against his county, I demand it back, and he wisely goes with the program.  I give it to Tiberios to run, just to get him started.

While I might forgive my granddaughter for murdering my son, she also hates my guts, which makes her dangerous to keep around.  So while I’m cleaning house I send the guards for her, too.  She manages to raise a rebellion, but I quickly crush it and throw her safely in jail.

Hey, and no more pus oozing from my eye!  Winning.

I’ll gladly take money for favors, at this point.  Who knows if Chrysogone will even be around to repay it?  

I have no idea who this guy is, but I want him on my team!

What do you think, WebMD?  Rabies, huh?

Hmm.  Maybe it is rabies!

Surprise it was smallpox.

Meanwhile, the wars continue.  I’m pounding it into the heads of the local dukes that I am now queen in this vicinity.

Hey, it worked for cancer.  Let’s let it ride!  I got another eye, don’t I?

Hmm.  This time all it cost was my sanity.

Ironically, the smallpox just went away on its own.  Woops!

I asked the Emperor for some more land, and he just gave it to me?  I guess he likes me!

Count Stephanos is being uncooperative, and hates my guts.  Time to have somebody pay him a little visit.

Fortunately for me, everyone is willing to help!  It’s gonna be a team assassination guys.

Crap.

Double crap!  

Finally.  Maybe next time we should go straight to poison and skip “manure explosion”.

Chrysogone is 60, and only getting wilier.  She’s outlived two sons and a daughter so far.

Aaaaand chalk up another husband to the score.  I head over to the shelter to adopt a replacement.

This guy’s bookkeeping is almost too good.  And his name is “Radbot”.  

“Are you a robot?”

“OF COURSE NOT.  LOOK AT MY RADICAL MUSTACHE.  BLEEP BLOOP.”

“The weird thing is, she did that even before she was insane…”

Good work, Radbot!

AFFIRMATIVE.  RADBOT WILL COLLECT GOLD.

Sergios has fucked up one time too many.  Time for a new quack!

A guy who plucks out eyes, you say?  Tell me more!

Medieval stress relief: either dogs, fucking, or gloating over the skulls of your enemies.

So, the patricidal Agne died in my dungeons, and apparently her aunt Leontia is pissed off?  I mean, she did murder your brother, dear.  We have a firm stance on that in this house.

Uhoh.  Despot Radbot has a virus.  He’s started DDoSing Chinese porn sites.

And Chrysogone may finally be losing her grip.

I want to know if she lost another chalice in the woods, or if she’s looking for the same chalice twenty years later.

The Theme of Nikea was destroyed when its owner rebelled, so I managed to recreate it as a proper duchy and lay claim to the wayward fourth county, which went astray back in the first generation.  Most of the rest of Anatolia has accepted my rule!

Well, she’s my best friend, but God forbid peasant children have nightmares.

Leontia was apparently so mad at me for letting Agne die in the dungeons that she ran off, got married, and started a band of mercenaries.  Which, let’s be honest, is awesome.

I’m getting more powerful, but I’m hesitant to make any moves towards the Emperor because I don’t know how long Chrysogone will last.

She’s 70 now, and fading a bit due to being infirm and insane.  But the wars go on!

I like to have multiple baronies in my capital to stack troop bonuses, so I revoke this one without a good reason.  That makes everyone mad at me, but I figure I’ll be dead soon regardless!

Nooooo Despot Radbot!  Has anyone tried turning him off and turning him back on again?

Chrysogone finally settles down with a nice Jewish boy, who happens to be possessed.

The medium pink is me, now covering most of mainland Anatolia.

My heir’s heir is Ioannes the Lecher, who has four sons so far, though only one via his actual wife.  Still, at least the dynasty will continue.

Chrysogone’s remarkable reign finally comes to an end at 73.  She took power at 9 and ruled for 64 years, created the Kingdom of Anatolia and conquered something like fifteen new counties; survived six children, measles, cancer, smallpox, and infection; and outlived five husbands.  That’s quite a run!

Tiberios, I choose you!

 

Current Year: 876 AD.

Current Status: NOT A ROBOT BLEEP BLOOP.

Part One.  Updates Wednesdays!

When we left off, the brave founder of our dynasty had died, leaving his two-year-old orphan grandson in charge.  But that two year old is descended from the Emperor himself!

Time for a fresh quack!  Visiting holy sites is definitely a good qualification for being a doctor.

My regent, Arsenios, is the younger son of Taxiarches.  Fairy tales inform me that uncles being in charge of young heirs to the throne always end well, right?  But … dunno if I’m ready to murder him at age four.

(In retrospect I 100% should have murdered him.)

Here’s why I didn’t murder him — I’m trying hard to forge claims to more land.

And Arsenios, inconveniently, turns out to be the most awesome diplomat in the kingdom.  So I make him Magistros and dispatch him to forge some claims.  Maybe someone else will murder him for me?

He kind of sucks at everything else and he has a stupid haircut.

Taxiarches II grows up with the usual shenanigans.

Although around age twelve he has to spend some time in hiding until I convince Strategos Pantoleon the Seducer to cool it with the murder plots.

Still, he likes poetry and is turning out pretty well.  And, evil uncle or not, Arsenios has been doing a fantastic job forging claims!  

When another civil war breaks out, I could make a play for the Empire.  But I’d only get crushed.  Fortunately, Byzantine civil wars are like subways — if you don’t like the look of this one, another will be along in a few minutes.

Taxiarches II didn’t turn out to be quite the administrator I wanted.  But he’s happily married and ready to get to warring!

First target, Anatolia, where I have claims to both Dorylaion and Ikonikon.

Buuuut Uncle Arsenios is trying to kill me again.  Now that I’m grown, I can have him arrested, but since he’s a count that means a civil war while I’m already fighting Anatolia.

I settle for sending sternly worded notes to his co-conspirators, which knocks his plot power down under the 100% threshold.  That means I should be reasonably safe, and I can deal with him after the war is over.

Nooooo don’t go in the creepy basement!

Well, shit.

(Get it?)

So, in spite of all my efforts, Taxiarches II ended up getting murdered by his wicked uncle, just as the Brothers Grimm foretold.  Shockingly, said wicked uncle stands to inherit the throne!  What a twist!

Arsenios, I choose you!

Arsenios has managed to become better at diplomacy and even worse at everything else.  Wonderful.  Time for damage control.

My war against Anatolia has stopped, because Arsenios only has weak claims, and can’t press them against a strong ruler.  More importantly, I’m rapidly running out of dynasty.  With his only son dead, he has just the one child to be heir, and I have no cousins to help me run my extra counties.  To remedy this, I quick make sure my remaining unmarried sisters get matrilineal marriages for “Operation Breed Some Cousins”, and switch Arsenios to Family focus for “Operation Bone Your Wife”.

Unfortunately, the latter is somewhat impeded by the onset of gout, which is apparently going to be the family curse.

Dammit, I told you no eating cats!  My life isn’t worth it!

Meanwhile, in order to press my weak claims, I need Anatolia to be ruled by a child.  That means murdering my way down the line of succession.  I start with Strategos Ioustinos, with significant aid from his wife.

Whose name is, awesomely, Aikaterine Drakokephalos.

One down, one to go!  I wonder if Aikaterine will be up for helping me murder her son, too.

I’m Batman.

Batman has heart problems.

Also, how did the murderous Arsenios end up with a jolly nickname like “the Troubadour”?

That bodes poorly.  Also, the realm is wracked by civil war.  Again.

Tepid?!  Pregnant sow urine should be served chilled or not at all!

In the background, the Imperial army has an epic throwdown with the rebels.

Poor Arsenios didn’t get very long to enjoy the throne he murdered his nephew for.  Can’t say that I’m sorry, really.

Unfortunately, we’re going to run into serious succession problems if we keep losing rulers like this!  The future of the Katakylas dynasty rests on Arsenios’ daughter’s young shoulders.

Chrysogone, I choose you!

Chrysogone is doing … okay.  Her stewardship isn’t great, because someone decided to raise her as a warrior.  Maybe Arsenios was compensating for the death of his son?

Count Diogenes, of whom more later, immediately leads a rebellion against the young Duchess.

Fortunately, I haven’t had much to do during the regency, so I’ve saved up a considerable war chest.  My mercenaries make short work of the rebels and Diogenes and his friends go to prison.

Chrysogone is already thinking along the right lines, I see.

The Byzantines do not fuck around with prisoners, jeez.  I decide to hang on to Diogenes for now and let him keep his balls.

Chrysogone is a 10-year-old girl version of Liam Neeson.

But she ends up befriending the culprit!  What a twist!

I’m getting mixed signals from this kid. 

Alright, who gave her Atlas Shrugged as bedtime reading?

Operation Cousin Breeding has borne some fruit, though both my aunt and her husband are now dead.  (The latter of rebelling against me.)

Chrysogone finally comes of age.  She’s brave, cruel, and an incompetent administrator.  Not great stats, honestly.  I marry her to a high-stewardship husband to mitigate that somewhat.

“What do you love about me, Chrysogone?”

“Your administrative efficiency, Obeko.  It gets me hot and bothered.”

This turns out to be literally true?

Lustful: the negative trait I’m always glad to have.

All that hard work pays off!

Also, I’m sleeping with the Orthodox Pope now.

Hurrah!  The dynasty continues.

Expansion-wise, I’ve got one easy pickup left, the last county that’s de jure part of Cilicia, so I go for that.

My liege is totally uncool with accepting my unsolicited donations in exchange for a favor.  It’s definitely not like I’m going to want to marry a princess again!  (I totally would.)

Build a bridge out of him!

So, my uncle, Count Diogenes, hates me and is a traitor.  But for some reason he has a claim on Ikonion, a county adjoining my territory.  Since he’s already my vassal, grabbing him another county will add it to my realm.  Also, pressing his claims will make him love me.  So yes, Diogenes, I am very concerned about the injustice done to you!

Quack quack.

Pretty sure that’s not the Great Pox.

Given the doctor’s general incompetence, I restrain Chrysogone from taking the “let’s try something new” option.

At least he consulted some star charts first.  Gotta be safe.

Fortunately Chrysogone is a badass.

Prosecuting my expansion wars is an exercise in carefully maneuvering around the rebel armies as they hash out their beef with the Emperor.  Have fun, guys!  Good luck storming the castle!

But I manage it, and add another county under the rule of the grateful Diogenes.

Psh, I had measles, it was weak.

My vassals are getting shirty about so many wars, so I decide to calm down for a while.

With a few children already born, Chrysogone (only 23!) switches to studying the mysteries of gold in order to build up the ol’ war chest.  I spend the proceeds on improving my castles, for future wars.

Later, Jews!  See you in a few years!

And yet the Emperor still won’t submit to my totally reasonable bribes!

Clergy, man.  Always judging you.

I’ve got a claim on Dorylaion, next door to Ikonion.  But I’m still in a truce toward the guy ruling it, so I need to wait for a while and/or kill him.

We can pass the time by burning the witch Catholic!

To help with her stewardship, Chrysogone spends some time running an inn, I guess?  These names are all uninspired.  Where’s “The Rampant Dragon”?

At the very least we can have a poetry-reciting ass!

“I swear I thought they meant Jim Carrey!”

Note to self: verify all talking animals before advertising.

For two stewardship, I would do a lot worse.

A woman wants to be marshal!  And she’s awesome at it, so she’s in, whatever the stick-in-the-mud councilors might say.

In the background, Empire riven by civil war, thousands dead, blah blah blah.  Tuesday, basically.

Heeeeey, isn’t that the dude who wasn’t helping me when I was blackout drunk?

Guards!  Seize him!

I resent the implication that I had him killed.  I merely put him in the darkest, nastiest part of the dungeon with no food.  Technically, the rats are guilty.

Time to introduce Arsenios to the realm!  Although, frankly, with stewardship three he’s already a disappointment.  Plus he’s indolent, which means he’ll do badly with a stewardship education.  Who raised this kid?

Soooo my half-sister is sleeping with the dude I’m trying to kill?  A little help here, sis?

Chrysogone’s husband has died of something or other, so she goes abroad looking for a young hunk with an accounting background.

Immediately I start getting offers to try to kill him.  Just because you’re stuck with my stupid brother, Adosinda, is no reason to be jealous.

Hmm.  On the one hand, I do like burning witches.  On the other hand, Diogenes is personally indebted to me and has other useful claims.  I think he can live … for now …

One of the rebellions offers to let me on the team.  I consider it, but there’s not much upside.  I’ll keep my head down for now.

Chrysogone is slowly progressing toward basic competence!

There are now two simultaneous rebellions dividing the empire.  Honestly, do I really want to be in charge of this place?

One of the rebel armies uncouthly takes over my capital and captures all my children.

Tiberios takes the opportunity of being imprisoned to tell me he wants to become a monk.

Kid, you’re like eight.  You don’t know what you’re missing.

Eventually the revolt ends and I ransom my kids back.  Yes, yes, I love you enough to pay 14 gold a head.

Although frankly, maybe I should have let them keep Arsenios.  He’s turned out to be an incompetent diplomat, trusting, craven, and greedy.  Not exactly the makings of a great ruler.  

Kids these days, I swear!  He’d better give me grandkids ASAP.

 

Current Year: 837 AD

Current Status: Not Angry, Just Disappointed

 

It seems like every few months I get the urge to go back to Crusader Kings.  So far we’ve had Ethiopian Jews building a new Israel in The Promised Land RELOADED, and Viking warriors taking over most of Europe in How Do I Vike.  A bunch of the comments mentioned doing a Roman Empire playthrough, which I’ve read a few of but never actually done myself.  So let’s try it!

Caveats!  I play CKII in a somewhat suboptimal way for roleplaying and amusement, so if you’re hardcore I apologize if it frustrates you.  CKII touches on various real-world religions and topics, so please don’t take too literally any comments about burning heretics and so on.  Lastly, as a logistical note, my plan is to post these every Wednesday, so check back weekly!

As usual, this is a game where we set our own goals.  This time that’s pretty easy — I want to reestablish the Roman Empire!  That involves being a Christian Byzantine Emperor and taking over some old Roman territory, which is a pretty tall order.  If we get past that, we can try to reclaim the old borders of the Roman Empire, which is most of Western Europe and Britain.  Yikes.  Well, you gotta have dreams!

Here’s the world of 769 AD.  The most notable feature, from the Byzantine point of view, is the huge Abbasid empire that dominates the Islamic world.  That could be a serious problem in relatively short order.

To found our hopefully mighty dynasty we have Strategos Taxiarches Katakylas of Nikea.  Side note: I think it’s a rule that almost all Byzantine names and titles work as Pokemon.  “Taxiarches, I choose you!”

Anyway, Taxiarches is an excellent warrior and a mediocre administrator, while being absolutely crap at diplomacy.  He’s zealous, greedy, chaste, and gluttonous.  Chaste isn’t a great trait for a dynasty founder, and may explain why he’s unmarried with no children at age 31.  Fortunately, now I’m in charge, and we can fix that!

Step one: acquire wife.  I find one with good stewardship to make up for my deficiency in that area.  She’s not super fond of me but I don’t see how that’s relevant.  (Note: Unlike in my viking game, I’m not played in a gender-neutral world, since it would make my political conquest of the Byzantine Empire considerably more complicated.)  Anastasia, welcome to Nikea!

Step two: choose the “Groom an Heir” ambition and the “Family” lifestyle, both of which provide fertility bonuses, for Maximum Sexytimes.

Step three: profit!  (Stealing underwear may have been in there somewhere, too.)

With that underway, we can get back to politics.  Here is Nikea, in bold, aggressive pink, just across the Sea of Marmara from Constantinople.

Thankfully, unlike in my viking game, we are not stuck with God-damned gavelkind inheritance.  It’s good old-fashion Agnatic-Cognatic Primogeniture for us!  (This is standard-issue Game of Thrones inheritance: the oldest son inherits, with women eligible only if there are no males in the direct line.  So the succession runs Robb-Bran-Rickon-Sansa-Arya.)

Unfortunately, we have another problem.  While I have a duke-level title and four counties, I am not technically a Duke.  Instead I am a Strategos.  This is more like an administrator, appointed by the Emperor, and the title will revert to him on my death.  This is obviously less than ideal.  So my first goal try and build up a power base during Taxiarches’ lifetime that he can pass on to his children.  That means a) holding as many counties as possible personally, rather than through vassals, and b) trying to get myself a “real” duchy in my own right rather than one granted by the Emperor.  The latter means taking some territory and creating it myself, probably.

First, though, we’ve got to get ourselves a quack.  Always need one of those.

The Basileus (Emperor) is quick off the block, declaring a holy war immediately.  I cautiously raise some troops to try and get in on the looting.

This goes wrong immediately as my vassals rebel, demanding more power.  Fucking vassals.

Unfortunately, they get the better of me, and I don’t have money for mercenaries.  Fine you guys can have bathroom breaks, I guess.

Drakokephalos is a pretty awesome name though.  Means “Dragon Cove” maybe?

My liege apparently appreciates my efforts, though.  He names me to his council and then offers me a favor in exchange for my vote.  A favor on your liege is pretty valuable, so I’m happy about this.

The only thing Taxiarches the Fat loves more than war is shopping!

Anything that divides the Muslim world is good for us here in Byzantium.

My wife manages to produce a suitably male offspring on her second try.  Now we’re getting somewhere dynasty-wise.

The only thing Taxiarches the Fat likes better than shopping is drinking in front of his council until he passes out!

The Emperor has an unmarried daughter, who will inherit at least a weak claim on the whole Empire.  Normally she wouldn’t marry someone as lowly as my son, but I nudge the Emperor in the ribs and say, “Hey, you owe me one, remember?”  So the infant Konstantinos is betrothed to an Imperial princess.

Unfortunately for Nikephoros, I am not yet prepared to delve into the dark arts.

Also my “rival” is just the dude who saw me drunk, so I don’t really need to turn to black magic to get rid of him.

The Emperor is mad at the Jews.  This happens a lot, honestly.  The Jews probably just have vacation homes somewhere nice.

At least one of them is coming to be my replacement quack, so they can’t be THAT banished.

Who’s up for a nice game of tyzkanter … tzykantr … horse-net-goal!

To get things started expansion-wise, I recruit an awesome diplomat and make him Magistros, then set him to forging claims against some exterior neighbors.  The Emperor intermittently enforces a no-internal-wars policy, unfortunately, at least when he’s strong.

Soon enough this pays off, and I can go steal some land from the Armenians!

Fortunately, they are quite weak and I easily win, getting a second country under my personal rule.  My Magistros goes to work forging more claims.

For my next trick, I start picking on my own nobles.  In order to revoke their titles without everybody hating me, I have my spymaster gin up some accusations and then call them out.  This is good because a) they’ve already revolted against me, so screw them, and b) when Taxiarches dies, his son won’t be Strategos, so if I want to hold on to Nikea I need to own it personally.

Orthodoxy and Iconoclasm continue to war for the soul of the Empire.  My official position is “whichever the Emperor wants” since I don’t want to get excommunicated.

That is one good looking apostle!  Honestly, I just need stewardship, since I’m going to have to hold a lot of land personally before we’re done.

Things are looking good, though!  My clever spymaster has let me accuse yet another noble of treachery and seize his land, giving me three of four Nikean counties.  Meanwhile, my magistros has forged claims to two more counties in Cilicia, so I can take them off the Addauids!

And Konstantinos is turning out pretty well.  Everything’s coming up Katakylas!

The war drags on a long time and some of my vassals are pissed off at me, but otherwise it’s going okay.

“Come on back, Jews!  The Emperor definitely won’t repeat this cycle once or twice a generation!”

Victory!  I now hold three out of five counties in the Duchy of Cilicia, which is enough to usurp it from its current holder.  Unfortunately, I can’t do that while the current holder is at war, and he’s at war with like four different people.  So we’ll wait.

Meanwhile, Konstantinos turned out great, and married the Princess Anthousa as promised!  Now I need them to breed, which means their descendants will inherit their mother’s claim on the Empire, which I can use to take over when the Emperor is weak.

Which actually happens quite a lot.  Two simultaneous revolts break out, and I try to stay out of the line of fire.

I’m not sure if it’s because there’s a teenaged girl as Basilissa, or because she’s engaged to her uncle.

Taxiarches suffers the consequences of his gluttonous lifestyle.

Ahh, the old rat-cure!  Not so good actually.

Let’s stick with the flatulent goat.  That’s much safer.

Konstantios is ready to take over the throne!  He’s a spectacular administrator, though not much of a warrior.  And his wife is pregnant!

Well, shit.  No sooner am I exulting than Konstantinos dies of consumption.  The rest of the court, including his pregnant wife, are secluded from the illness but starving to death.  Prepare the emergency backup son!

Well, she managed to have the baby, also named Taxiarches, before also dying of consumption.  I quickly bring the infant to my court.

However, Cilicia is finally at peace, which means I can usurp it!  Now I’ve got a Duke-level title (Doux) that won’t disappear with my death, ensuring my successors can retain their vassals.

Taxiarches is getting old, and the land is ravaged by smallpox AND consumption.  He has his grandson, his emergency backup son, and some daughters.

For the moment, anyway.  Plagues, man!

On the plus side, as Doux of Cilicia, I have de jure claims against the two remaining counties, and the new, weaker Emperor doesn’t mind me attacking my neighbors.  So I start a war to get them to pay proper tribute.

Well that’s … certainly a thing, that happened.

Sadly, before I can finish the war, gout catches up to Taxiarches.  Still, not a bad career at all — from one personal county to six, and claiming a duchy to serve as a power base.

Taxiarches II, I choose you!

Unfortunately Taxiarches II is only two years old.  So we’ve got a long regency to look forward to …

 

Current Year: 795 AD

Current Status: Toilet-Training

In How Do I Vike, I play as Norse pagans in Crusader Kings II, attempting to unite Scandinavia under my banner and spread the worship of Odin and Thor!

Part One: In which I don’t actually become a Viking.

(769 AD – 783 AD)

 

 

 

 

Part Two: In which I deal with succession issues, get conquered by Denmark, and start learning to set things on fire.

(783 AD – 815 AD)

 

 

 

Part Three: In which I free myself from Danish rule, create the Kingdom of Lapland, become a Viking for real, and have an immortal dog who eats people.

(815 AD – 857 AD)

 

 

 

Part Four: In which I pledge myself to dark powers and devour my own children.

(857 AD – 882 AD)

 

 

 

Part Five: In which I reform the Germanic religion and adopt feudalism.

(882 AD – 905 AD)

 

 

 

 

Part Six: In which the kingdom threatens to break apart.

(905 AD – 936 AD)

 

 

 

 

Part Seven: In which I harass Robin Hood and deal with seniority succession.

(936 AD – 969 AD)

 

 

 

 

Part Eight: In which I have another mad queen and inch closer to my dream of empire.

(969 AD – 1006 AD)

 

 

 

Part Nine: In which I establish ultimogeniture succession, create the Empire of Scandinavia, and name my horse chancellor.

(1006 AD – 1042 AD)

 

 

 

Part Ten: In which the invasion of England begins.

(1042 AD – 1083 AD)

 

 

 

 

Part Eleven: In which I inherit Austrasia, complete the conquest of England, and survive the Black Death.

(1083 AD – 1122 AD)

 

 

 

Part Twelve: In which I add Scotland to the bag, fight off a Crusade, and sleep with my horse.

(1122 AD – 1162 AD)

 

 

 

 

Part Thirteen: In which I complete the conquest of the British Isles and win a Great Holy War for France.

(1162 AD – 1199 AD)

 

 

 

Part Fourteen: In which Germany and more of France fall before the Scandinavian juggernaut.

(1199 AD – 1233 AD)

 

 

 

Part Fifteen: In which I break the power of the Mongols and take Italy.

(1233 AD – 1280 AD)

 

 

 

 

Part Sixteen: In which I declare victory.

(1280 AD – 1307 AD)

 

 

 

 

 

 

Part One, Part Two, Part Three, Part Four, Part Five, Part Six, Part Seven, Part Eight, Part Nine, Part Ten, Part Eleven, Part Twelve, Part Thirteen, Part Fourteen, and Part Fifteen.

When we left Empress Grima, she’d just taken over Italy.  For reasons I’ll go into below, I decide to wrap up the campaign after one more Great Holy War, so let’s try and get there!

Getting there alive may be harder than planned.

That’s especially unfortunate because my heir Ulfhildr has turned out to be Dull, which hurts her stats badly.

On the religious front, Catholicism has been knocked way back, as I start spreading Odin-worship to Italy.

And just because people are trying to kill me is no reason to be bummed!

A Spanish revolt offers a nice opportunity.  The revolt leader isn’t part of the grand alliance and isn’t covered by a truce, so I can grab a duchy off him with a quick holy war.

Needless to say things are wrapped up quickly.

It’s starting to get hard to fit my empire onto one screen!

In the far east, my vassals have fought all the way to Moscow.

Ulfhildr comes of age.  She’s not terrible, but she didn’t live up to her early promise, unfortunately.

Shortly thereafter, Grima dies a natural death, bringing her epic reign to a close.  Smashing France, Italy, and the Mongols is a pretty good career!  Ulfhildr also looks almost exactly like her.

Conveniently, that cancels the truce with the Spanish revolt, which is still ongoing!  I quickly start a holy war with them and grab Savoy.

The last Christians in England, a band of Catholic hold-outs in Surrey, finally come over to the winning team.

In spite of her mediocre abilities, Ulfhildr is now “The Sword of Odin”.  I’ll take it!

Since my truce with Spain proper is broken as well with Grima’s death, I start a holy war against them too.  This means fighting the whole world again, but I’m not very concerned.

As expected, the war comes to a conclusion long before most of the allied forces can even show up.

Rome, meanwhile, has fallen to the Byzantines!

I end up with a revolt of my own, but since France and Scandinavia stay loyal, it’s pretty easy to crush.

There have been so many of these the game has literally stopped counting.

I kind of wish I could cede the throne to my older sister Elin, actually, because she’s become amazing, with a martial score approaching the likes of Ottarr or Genghis Khan.  I make her my marshal and general instead.

Once the revolt is over, Ulfhildr tries for five years of peace, to raise her stewardship and prepare for the upcoming crusade.

Inexplicably, though, the Aslamids in Spain declare war on me, to contest the claim of some random temple holding in the middle of nowhere.  What?

It doesn’t go well for them.  If they couldn’t beat me with the entire world on their side, why do they think they can do it alone?

I already hold the Empires of Scandinavia, Germania, and Brittania.  I could usurp Francia now — the current holder no longer has any land in its territory.  The problem is that I’d then get it with laws intact, including succession laws, which would be a pain to change and could result in my realm breaking up.  No thanks.

Since Spain so helpfully abrogated their truce with me, I counter-attack and grab another duchy off them in a holy war.

Things are looking cleaner by the minute!

Another holy war, this time to grab some stray Italian territory.  Irritatingly I don’t get it all, because some is occupied by their other enemies.  We can sort that out later, I suppose.

Odin and Thor are everywhere triumphant!

Ulfhildr’s heir is coming along.  Hopefully he’s smarter than his mother.

My sister Elin, in her forties but still a mighty warrior, leads a campaign against the Byzantines to claim part of Croatia.

I’m getting ready for a Great Holy War of my own, but the Pope beats me to the punch.  Apparently he wants his fancy house back.

Pope War III: The Search for Pope.  (Considering I endured something like 10+ crusades in my Jewish game, three is not so bad!)

Fortunately there just aren’t that many Catholic powers left.  He’s got the crusading orders and a few steppe nomands.

Bjorn, Nonsense Doctor.

“It’s cancer, Doctor Bjorn!  What should we do?”

“Off with her leg!”

Actually not a bad recovery time, all things considered.

“I prescribe 1,000,000 CCs of dog!”

The crusade drags on.  The Pope no longer has any territory for me to attack, so it’s just whack-a-mole whenever his various armies decide to have another try at me.

Do diplomats really get weather-bitten?

The Crusade finally ends.  Thanks for the donation, your holiness!

With that accomplished, I can finally launch my own Great Holy War for the heart of Spain.

Duchess Elin, now known as The Lionheart and fightier than ever, leads my forces to the front.  Honestly, though, the hardest thing is getting everyone there without starving.

A peasant revolt breaks out in Poitiers literally as my giant army is marching past.  That seems like a bad time to revolt, guys.

The actual war is pretty brief.  Half the fun is getting there, I guess.

That’s a lot of Scandinavia!

On the other side of the world, the Byzantines seem to have fractured badly, too…

But, I think it’s about time to bring our Scandinavian adventure to a close.  Astute readers might notice that the game doesn’t require you to end before 1453, so I technically have about a hundred and fifty years left.  So why stop here?

Well, basically, because I’ve won.  I’ve long since completed my initial goals of uniting Scandinavia, reforming the German religion, and becoming feudal.  I figured taking over France would be the endgame, but we rolled over them and just kept on going.  With my last holy war having gutted Spain, there’s literally just no one left who can stop me.  My levies total about 200,000 men — the biggest remaining powers, like Jerusalem, the Byzantines, and the largest of the Muslim empires can barely muster 30,000.  

Also, as you might be able to tell from this section, things get a little less interesting story-wise at this point.  If I kept going, it would just be more of the same — holy war after holy war.  They’re kind of boring to play, too, since it takes way more time to gather up my armies and deliver them to the target then to actually win the war.  

So, let’s call that an empire!

My dynasty score of 244,678 is in the same range as the one from my Israel game.  If I played out another hundred and fifty years, it’d probably be higher, since I’m holding something like four empires now!

Let’s take a look at our kings:

Top to bottom, left to right.  Standouts include Gloð, whose 52-year rule prepared the way for the infamous Ottarr to reform the religion and convert to feudalism, plus eat his children; Luder-Udo, whose record 62-year reign cemented the power of the Empire; Gorm, who crippled France, and Grima, who presided over the final ascension of Scandinavia to ultimate European superpower.

My strategy of ultimogeniture worked pretty well, too.  After Wulfhild changed the succession laws, we had a few regencies, but nothing catastrophic, and plenty of very long and successful reigns.

It’s fun playing with Gender Equality turned on, too, even if it creates a few weirdnesses succession-wise.  Viking warrior-queens for everyone, and thanks for reading!

Current Year: 1307 AD.  Current Status: Victorious!

Part One, Part Two, Part Three, Part Four, Part Five, Part Six, Part Seven, Part Eight, Part Nine, Part Ten, Part Eleven, Part Twelve, Part Thirteen, and Part Fourteen.

Last time, the death of mad Emperor Rikulfr had left seven-year-old Grima on the throne.  Regencies are always tricky.

Isn’t she a little young to be making this decision?  Eh.  Burn the witch!

Burning people alive is apparently an okay call for a seven-year-old to make, but imprisoning Catholics requires council approval.  Bah.

Fortunately some Catholics are less liked than others.

This leads to an empire-wide Catholic rebellion, more or less as intended.  Always good to stomp on the vassals to keep them in line.  Some peasants throw in for good measure.

Honestly, just burn all the witches.  You don’t even have to ask.

Also, Ale apparently is gender-fluid?  At least in terms of his mode of address.

The rebellion is pretty short-lived, and I march in and burn down their capital.

Don’t worry, little peasants, I’ll be sure to turn up and, um, hear your grievances.

At 13, Grima has cynical and kinslayer, and her stats aren’t great.  Fortunately, most of her angry vassals are in prison.

The empire is looking better than ever, though!  My vassals have really made solid progress in the north, with the independent Russian states rapidly being squeezed between me and the Mongols.

Genghis Khan is dead, and while the new Khan is no match for him in terms of military skill, the empire is still powerful.

So I can either be gay, or into my cousin.

Gay it is!  Ironically, “Lustful” and “Homosexual” cancel one another out in terms of their effect on your fertility.

You know what they say, 27th time’s the charm!

Finally, Grima’s regency ends.  

Her stats are highly underwhelming, unfortunately.  We’ve got some studying to do.

She marries Steinn, commander of the Varangian Guard, an excellent steward and a decent warrior.  That’ll help some.

Now that I don’t have to worry about my council, I can strip the lands from my Catholic vassals and redistribute them to proper Germans.  Generally when I do this, I search for people who are a) part of my dynasty and b) have a high opinion of me.  Since Grima is a lesbian, and thus gets +30 attraction from other lesbians, this sorts them all to the top.  So my new vassal rulers are basically the Lesbian Brigade.

Old, blind doctor Ale actually provides sensible remedies.

Francia still has this weird island of territory in the middle of my empire.  Honestly, that’s just untidy.  So we’re going to have to take care of it with a Great Holy War.  This means fighting the entire world, more or less, but I’m used to that by now.

Fortunately, my vassals are eager to join in the fun!

My husband Steinn sadly dies, but I manage to trade up to a much superior model.

The combined forces of Christendom turn up and get a solid kicking.

The young new Emperor of Francia is willing to surrender at 86%, which is unusual.  Still, I’ll take it!

There, much cleaner.

Of course, now I need new vassals to hold all this land for me.  Summon the Lesbian Brigade!

At 18, Grima is already “the Glorious”, in spite of her stat-line.  Most of her vassals are unhappy, though.

More like, “Sigh, husband, you have performed your boring but vital function.”

England is almost entirely free of Catholics and back on the path to Valhalla.

On the other side of the empire, though, the Queen of Pomerania is Catholic and refuses to recant.  Surprisingly, she meekly assents to be stripping her of all titles, rather than starting a war about it.

Let there be a new, gayer queen!

“Guys, I know the last 27 times ended up with heads on spikes, but sooner or later she has to run out of spikes, am I right?”

One of my vassals apparently had his wife burned at the stake.  Harsh.

But sure, he can marry my sister.  I mean, he needs a new wife, right?  And she never seemed flammable.

Best doctor.

Sadly, he kills himself not long afterward.

My vassals are busily shredding the remains of Francia, now that I’ve cut them down to size.

I was a little worried about drawing a Crusade, but apparently taking back minor Italian islands is more important than France.  Or possibly the Pope is scared of me now?

Speaking of France.  The King of France hates me and threatens to rebel.  I can’t lock him up, because he hasn’t done anything, but I can try to kill him, and there are so many people willing to help.  The assassins are standing in line.

Uh-oh.  They’ve finally decided to take a shot at me.

On the plus side, they’re no longer quite the monsters they once were.  The Mongols spawn at the eastern edge of the map with a stack of 100k+ troops, which gradually gets worn down through their conquests.  Their ordinary troops are much less formidable.  So this is, at least, doable.

Here’s the doomstack.  The biggest difficulty (for me) is that the Mongol event troops are immune to attrition, so they never have supply issues.  This is a problem, since we’re fighting in the east, where supplies are pretty scarce.  While I have more troops then they do, if I try to concentrate them in one place they’ll starve to death.  The Mongols don’t have this issue, so they don’t have to split their forces.

Meanwhile, the King of France finds out about my plot to kill him (possibly because I told literally everyone) and goes into hiding, which makes it trickier.

To make matters worse in the Mongol war, the fortifications in the east pretty much suck, which means the Mongols can take almost everything by storm.  So the war gets way down in the negative side for me very quickly, and I have to do some fancy footwork to avoid losing outright.  I finally lure the main Mongol army north, while my army lives aboard ship in Lake Ladoga (which does not require supplies).  The battle is tight, but I pull it out.

Grima doesn’t let it get in the way of a sapphic wilderness tryst or two, though.

Yes, guys, this is exactly the time.

Two can play at the game of assaulting castles, and I get the warscore back to neutral by rapidly seizing a bunch of Mongol territory around the lake.

When they come back north, I’m ready for them.  One army confronts the horde while another rapidly frees the castles they took, pushing my score back up.

Finally.  This is one of the hardest wars I’ve had to fight, due to the supply weirdness, in spite of my having an overall advantage.  It would have been impossible if I hadn’t been able to stash armies aboard fleets.

However, the result is that I’ve broken Mongol power for good.  With the last of their spawned troops mostly slaughtered, they’re reduced to relying on their conquered territory for soldiers, which isn’t much of a threat.

Oh, yeah.  These guys.

Since King Oddr is in hiding, I turn to another dissatisfied king, who is also hated by all and sundry.  We take him by surprise, so he goes down easy.

Back to trying to kill Oddr.  It should be easy, with this much help!  Just dogpile him, guys!

 

At 28, Grima is improving.  She’s picked up hunter, humble, and diligent, and her martial and stewardship have both reach at least average levels.  She has one daughter so far, and I’d prefer a few more.

She also brought one of the teenage girls she keeps seducing back to court.

With the Mongol threat dealt with, it’s time to settle Brittany, which is still owned by Spain.  This involves basically the entire world going to war with me, due to my high threat, but I should be able to rush Brittany down before anyone can really do anything about it.

And we may be able to pry King Oddr out of his spider-hole!  Life is good.

Through copious expenditure of lives, Brittany’s castles fall before any enemy armies get close enough to do anything about it, and Spain concedes the point.

Unfortunately, all my attempts to kill Oddr have come to naught.  Since he’s plotting against me, I declare him an enemy of the state instead, and get ready to fight the inevitable rebellion.

While that’s a charming tactic, we’re already at war with him.  So it’s a little late.

A gang of vassals decide to throw their hats into the ring as well.  Because she’s kinslayer and lesbian, Grima is consistently pretty unpopular.

Fortunately, Scandinavia proper and much of England remain loyal, so I have plenty of troops to work with.

I smash the rebels in the east and lay siege to Denmark.

Pretty soon, Oddr once again stands alone.

But not for long.

Grima decides to try for five years of peace, to let the realm recover a little bit.

Pretty sure Grima’s familiar with the whole “attraction for another woman” thing.  Sword of Odin sounds pretty good, though…

Hmm.  I suppose that’s always a risk.

Religion-wise, things are coming along!  Catholicism is being steadily pushed back, along with the Orthodoxy the French Emperors brought over and the Sunnis from Spain.

Again, Þora?  Well, if you insist…

Uhoh.  But, wait, no.  That’s not how that works.

The capital gets a drilling ground!  This is actually a spectacular bonus, since I have four castles there and it generates over ten thousand troops.

On one of her viking expeditions (which still count as “peace”) Grima gets a sweet epic drop!

Weirdly, the Bashah of Spain has become a Catholic!

And the Mongol Khan has become Orthodox.  What’s going on?

At 41 Grima is doing better.  She’s got four children, and has picked up Viking, Zealous, and Kind.  She’s under a lot of stress, though.

I’ll be friends with anyone named Vesei Priest-Hater!

Honestly, I don’t begrudge my husband an affair or two.

But she’s apparently determined to win him back.

My eldest daughter dies in childbirth.  Going to check on her kids, I notice that my dynasty has gotten kind of enormous.  The family tree is pretty hard to make sense of now!

Five years!  Whew.  Time for some wars.

I consider taking Burgundy off the Aslamids, continuing my subjugation of France.  But if I’m going to fight all of Christendom, I’d prefer a more ambitious target…

That’s right, Pope!  Odin is coming for you!

King Oddr, in spite of my attempts to murder him and his current imprisonment, is happy to join in the fight!  What a guy.

With the Byzantines in the war, some large armies gather in Italy.  My vassals are eager to help, though.

Chaos in Italy!  These crusades certainly are lively.  Unfortunately at this point my screenshots got cut off because my hard drive was full with CK2 screenshots and saves!

TL;DR — we won.  Rather easily.  At this point there’s not much left that poses a real threat!  So Italy is mine, finally linking distant Serbia to the empire by land.  My threat is through the roof, but I almost don’t care anymore.

Another treasonous king meets his end.  Someone should name me Kingslayer, right?  Much easier than fighting revolts, especially since everyone always seems to hate them.

And another king goes to jail for embracing Jesus.  I wonder why he’s so eager to be on the wrong side of history.

Testing the theory that I no longer have to worry about threat, I go to war with Spain again for a chunk of southern France.

It goes pretty badly for them, despite having literally the entire world on their side.  Hmm.

Victory!  My empire now extends into Africa, which was previously part of the Kingdom of Italy.

While Grima has declined a bit with age, her total troop strength is now over 140,000.

Her heir, Princess Ulfhildr, is coming along too!

Current Year: 1280 AD.  Current Status: Queen of the World.